2021 Nonfiction Runner-up: "Upper Body Workout for Beginners" by Ellie Pirog
Thumbnail photo credit: Velizar Ivanov (@lycan), obtained and licensed through Unsplash
Upper Body Workout for beginners*
A GUIDE TO GROWING MUSCLE (AND A MIDDLE FINGER TO THE INESCAPABLE MALE GAZE)
Shoulder Press, 3 sets of 10 reps
Grab dumbbells of the appropriate weight: heavy enough to encourage muscle growth but not heavy to the point that form is sacrificed. Find a bench in the meathead section of the gym, not because you’re a meathead, but because being the only girl there makes you feel powerful. Click the bench into an upright position suitable for sitting. Stare at yourself in the mirror as your arms strain underneath the weight of the dumbbells. Catch the eyes of the men around you, sizing you up.
Overhead Press, 3 sets of 8 reps
Head for the power rack. You’re a tall girl, but the person before you was taller, so adjust where the barbell rests. It should be parallel with your chest. Grab the bar with your hands spread evenly apart, and let it sit on your chest. In a controlled and steady movement, push the bar over your head, remembering to tilt your face slightly back so as not to smack yourself. Think about how you were constantly reprimanded for not “sitting like a lady,” as a child. What was so provocative about the legs of an eight-year-old girl splayed open?
Bench Press, 3 sets of 8 reps
Walk towards the bench press. “I can only bench the bar,” you’ll tell your guy friends jokingly. Everyone will laugh, including you, but you’ll wonder why you felt the need to make a joke of it. The bar weighs 45 pounds, after all. With your feet planted firmly on the ground and your back flat against the bench, remove the bar from where it’s resting and with a smooth and even push, extend your arms. Hear your friends’ laughter echoing in your ears.
Lateral Pulldown, 4 sets of 10 reps
Sit down at the lateral pulldown machine. You’ll have a clear view of the cardio deck upstairs. Reminisce on the days when you were too scared to venture anywhere else in the gym. Cardio is for girls anyways, right? While standing, grip the bar with your hands slightly further than shoulder width apart. With your hands still gripping the bar, sit down and pull the bar to your chest. Wonder what you look like from behind. Is it sexy? Or are your shoulders too broad and unfeminine?
Triceps Pulldown, 4 sets of 8 reps
The cable machine is conveniently next to the lateral pulldowns. Make the easy transition and grab your favorite handlebar, which happens to be free. Attach the handlebar and set the machine to your desired weight. With your core engaged, grip the bar with your palms facing down and push towards the floor. Remember the day you wore heels to school. It was routine to walk with your crush to Pre-Calculus and those five minutes meant everything to you. He stood at 5’8 and you typically at 5’10. However, that day you stood at a proud 6’1. When you greeted him in the hallway, he seemed taken aback. Indignation filled his voice as he remarked, “Heels are the last thing you need.”
Bicep Curl, 3 sets of 10 reps
Back to the bench you go. You could technically do these standing up, but using the bench is a statement. Pull the dumbbell towards your body one arm at a time. Be sure to fully extend your arm at the bottom. Your dad always reminds you that guys will often curl without fully extending their arm at the bottom. Their results will still be the same aesthetically, but they’ll lose full range of motion in their arms. When you first got your learner’s permit, your dad told you to be careful and always keep your eyes on the road. He proceeded to say that girls are more likely to wreck because they’re distracted by themselves in the mirror, whereas boys get in trouble because they like to go fast. Strange, you think. You like to go fast.
Push-ups, 3 sets of 12 reps
You’re not good at push-ups, but you want to be. Pick any mat and lie down on your stomach. With your hands slightly further than shoulder width apart and your feet together, extend your arms and engage your core. Then lower yourself into a plank, making sure to keep your core engaged, and your body in a tight line. After a few reps, retire to your knees and finish your sets in “girl push-up” form. Wonder what misogynistic idiotic coined that term. Be annoyed with yourself that you even referred to it as such.
Cool Down
When the workout ends, head to the bathroom to wipe off your sweat. You don’t want to look like you worked out too hard. Head back to the mats and as you run through your favorite line up of static stretches and try to remember the last time you were free of the male gaze. The last time you did something because you, and you alone, wanted to. Not to come across as strong, or competent, or funny, or likeable. With a frustrated sigh, shake your head because you can’t remember. Tell yourself you’re going to work on that, and then smile at the cute boy you pass on the way out of the gym.
*This workout is geared towards those with a desire to explore traditional weightlifting. There’s a myth that weight training will make you bulky, stealing your feminine shape and leaving you undesirable to men. What they fail to say is that you will never look like a man because you are not one. Regardless of if you were born a woman or have found yourself as one, no exercise regimen or man’s opinion can rob you of your femininity.
Touchstone Undergraduate Creative Writing Awards are an annual award series open to current undergraduate students at Kansas State University. In each of the following genres: poetry, creative nonfiction, and fiction, two submissions are chosen by the editors at Touchstone. Winner in every genre receives a cash prize of $75, and the runner up receives $50.
Ellie Pirog is a Junior at Kansas State pursuing a Bachelor of Arts in English with a focus in creative writing. She hails from Columbus, Georgia and plans to make a career out of writing someday.